Love

Dear Blogger,

I have been trying so hard not to admit something.
I told people I didn't give a tiny rat ass about love and relationship.
I lied. I DO give shit about love in a big way to be exact.
It just scares me to let myself fall because as we all know falling is not a pleasant thing.
So I built this tall and strong wall just to shut everyone up.
I even have the list of IDEAL guy which I add more and more qualities everyday.
All I want is to make sure I won't fall for anyone so easily.

Around a month ago, my sister told me she watched Practical Magic.
(The wry, comic romantic tale follows the Owens sisters, Sally and Gillian, as they struggle to use their hereditary gift for practical magic to overcome the obstacles in discovering true love. From www.imdb.com)
I look at my life and sometimes feel like I'm one of the sisters in that movie.
Sally Owen, the older sister cast this spell so she won't fall in love with any random guys.

Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.
Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?
Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He'll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he'll have one green eye and one blue.
Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.
Young Sally Owens: That's the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn't exist. And if he doesn't exist, I'll never die of a broken heart.

I did the same thing.
I even prayed from time to time asking God to shut my heart completely.
You know what happen?
It turns to be some kind of a curse on me.
I'm so afraid to get intimate, to let someone in and so afraid to fall in love.
Every time I feel that a certain guy I hang out with has the potential to make me fall, I run away.
It is crazy right? I have LOVE PHOBIA..
The fact that being in love scares the hell out of me indicates that.

Then around a week ago something happened, thing that is about to change my life completely.
That evening, I was working at the bar with this guy, another woman’s hubbie, and also with my boss.
(The hubbie was everything I didn’t like in guys, hates Liverpool FC, smoking a lot, not nice teeth, so thin, average height, not so romantic, non-Caucasian and married!)
Anyhow, I was so bored with X and Horny incident and decided to become a nun or at least to stay away from love for as long as I could.
My boss said no Amy what a waste! You might think it’s so bored and you’re so sick of love but your heart is another thing. You can’t control it.

After that I spent some nights thinking about that speech and the truth hit me very very very hard.
It’s true…no matter how hard you try, your heart will beat with its own drum and it won’t listen to you.
And I discovered something then, I am falling.
Against all the rules and lists I have, I’m falling for a guy who has absolutely nothing compares to the IDEAL guy at all.
There I was sitting in my room, speechless and so shocked.

I talk to my baby Joe about this and he said things happened for a reason.
If I were to fall for this guy, then let’s fall.
Maybe he would be the one who helps me destroy the wall I built a long time ago.
He might be the one to help me overcome my fear.
I honestly don’t know what would happen after this.
It scares me so much just to think about it.
Hope whatever happens will somehow make me realize that falling isn’t that bad after all.
I might as well enjoy the ride and I might as well become more emotionally stable for Joe’s sake.
I will be very careful with it. As Gillian, the other sister in Practical Magic, said…
Gillian Owens: You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast?
Antonia Owens: She does it all the time.
Gillian Owens: She does? Well, that's what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.

I will come back to tell you more on this. And maybe, just maybe, the next time we meet I will be almost normal.
Who knows? Don’t you think?

With Love
Amy