Sad Sad Sad =(

I am so sad.
I am so so sad.
I am so so so sad.
I was crying my eyes out last night.
For what reasons...I have no idea.
Everything seemed to be a perfect reason to cry.
I was taking to God too.
I told him everything I felt about the life I'm living.
I basically told him how much I hated my life.
I have the worst parents, job, health, self-esteem, love life, personal life etc.
I could not find anything in life that I want to treasure.
I thought my Mom was my best friend but I was wrong.
Everything was always about her. She got angry at me for saying "I'm working everyday to support you."
How can you get mad at your daughter for speaking her mind esp when that thing was the truth.

I have been taking care of my family since I graduated.
It has been over two years now.
I have to take care of my family expenses for over two years.
My Dad stopped paying for the family expenses after I got my Kingsmill job.
He assumed that I could take all the responsibility by myself but he was wrong.
I can't take it...no more. I should be living a life...my life not their lives.
I can't go anywhere with my friends anymore because I can't afford that.
I am the oldest 24 years old woman in the world.

I had plan back when I was in high school to find a job and took post-graduate program so working won't be too boring but I can't do that.
If I took that program, we won't have anything to eat...and we then will die.
So doing what I want like studying, taking trips with riends or doing not-well-paid job is selfishness.
I would never be able to live my life as long as I can't provide my family a good fortune.
That's a life I'm living right now.

I would be so much better and easier for me to deal with this whole thing if I have someone for me, someone to believe, someone to keep me warm, someone who never ever leave me alone, someone I can rely on forever....of course there is no one like that for me, at least.
So I turn to God. He was the only one I can think of in these times of hardness.
I pray every night for better life even though I don't even know if he can hear my prayers.
I can't stop believing in him. I can't. He is my only hope now.
I don't know how long does it take for God to finally hears your prayers and rescues you from your darkest days...I hope it's not too long.
I'm too tired to wait that long.
Still I have this tiny little part of me that somehow believe that someday in the future when I come back to this entry I'll be laughing my ass off instead of crying my eyes out.
That day WILL come. It MUST come cause I have been such a good girl and asking for happiness...to be able to live my life shouldn't be too much.
I'll wait for that day. And I'll never stop believing no matter how sucks my life is!!!

Hope you have better life!!
Be Happy!

Amy =(